Why Me? Why Us?

There is one question we all wrestle with.  It's that big, looming question, 'Why?'  Why did this happen to me? ... to my son/daughter ... to my family? ... to our precious grandchild? 

In a very cold and realistic sense, it can be answered by the facts of what happened.  There was an accident:  you gradually learn what happened and piece together the events leading to the death.  Your grandchild was ill:  you read medical records, speak with caretakers and gather details of his/her condition.  Possibly your grandchild was an innocent victim of abuse or of a crime: police reports and witnesses provide answers.

But that's not the 'Why?' we grapple with following a death.

We want to know why God, with all of his power, kindness, knowledge and mercy, chose to take this child from us - why our family? 

I don't know that we can definitively answer that question.  But, for me, to come to grips with it and to move forward on my grief journey was imperative ... I had to do it quickly.  I needed to turn the 'Why?' into a 'How?' 

Rather than focusing on my own sadness - why this happened to me -  I needed to figure out how I could make things better for my daughter and her family.  That would bring me some comfort.

Son-in-law was in big legal trouble, charged with criminal vehicular homicide and penalties as severe as four years in jail and exorbitant fines.  I wondered how sitting in jail would be helpful to my grieving daughter and 2-year-old Belle.  It would mean losing a baby, a sister, a husband and a father.

I started a letter writing campaign.  Yes, son-in-law was guilty, but was he really a criminal?  He made a very stupid decision that took the life of his child and he will never be the same man.  Hundreds, possibly more than a thousand, letters were penned by friends, family, co-workers, neighbors, church members, religious communities, total strangers, who begged the judge for leniency.  Mandy and I wrote our own, very personal messages.

God must have read the correspondence, too.  He provided a compassionate judge who waived a prison sentence for the opportunity to  make a difference, to help make the community a safer place and to give son-in-law the chance to be a better husband and father.  One of his numerous probation requirements is that son-in-law has to tell his story 100 times.  His audience includes those at DUI Impact meetings, drivers' ed classes, inpatient treatment centers and grief support groups.

Did my campaign have any influence on the judge's decision.  I like to think so.  I believe it did.  In fact,  I HAVE to believe it did.  It was one way I was able to turn my 'Why' into a 'How?' and take a few steps forward on my journey.

We will probably never know the real 'Why?' of losing a grandchild, but turning it into a 'How?' can lift us a bit higher and, proverbially, set the prisoner free.