What Losing My Granddaughter Has Done For Me

Every now and then, the guilt creeps in.  It has nothing to do with Kitty's death, but rather that of being a loving, present grandmother to my living grandchildren.

A few weeks ago, Belle went to a week-long "theater" camp.  The kids learned some songs and gave a performance at the end of the week.  It was on my calendar ... I planned to go.  My other 6-year-old  granddaughter, N, also made her theatrical debut this summer in "The Wizard of Oz", put on by a local community theater group.  N attended practices for weeks and the show schedule ran over the span of two weekends.

I went to N's dress rehearsal and one performance.  On the day of Belle's program, the weather was rainy and I dreaded driving in bad weather 45 minutes one way to see the play and another 45 minutes to get back home.  I called Mandy and asked if Belle would be disappointed if I didn't go.  Mandy said it would be fine.  They would record the musical for me. 

Then the guilt kicked in.  Despite the fact that Belle's entire program lasted all of seven minutes, I had missed it.  I can't get it back.  I missed the opportunity of seeing my granddaughter's first stage experience ... as small and brief as it was.

Before this summer began, I had great plans for things I wanted to accomplish while Mandy was off work.  My little craft business needs attention, there are drawers, cupboards and closets that could be better organized and I envisioned a few day trips to places I haven't visited in years.  None of those things got done in June or July.  August isn't looking very hopeful, either.

I found myself complaining a bit when Mandy told me that she, Belle, Dasher and the Basher would be coming to my house for 12 hours on Monday and another eight hours on Tuesday of this coming week.  I have things to do! 

Then I think about my little Kitty.  I would give anything to have her at my house ... all day, any day, every day.  And I feel guilty for complaining.  I know just how fortunate I am: 

* I have living grandchildren.
* My children and grandchildren want me to be present in their lives.
* I live close enough that I am able to spend time with them regularly and to watch them grow.
* Losing Kitty has made me a more present grandparent to N, Belle, J, G, the Dasher and the Basher.

Yes, sometimes I complain when a day of babysitting or an unplanned visit is added to my calendar.  But, I get over that pretty quickly.  That's what the loss of a grandchild has done for me.  It has given me a deeper appreciation for my other grandchildren and for the time I get to spend with them.  I am truly blessed!