'What' Isn't Enough Anymore: Questions From My Grandchildren

All of Belle's classmates were invited to her sixth birthday party last summer.  Most of them came to celebrate.  The giant water slide and child-sized zip line in the backyard kept the future first graders entertained all afternoon and by the time the group was rounded up to go inside for cake and ice cream, they were all comfortable, loud and chatty. 

From my spot in the living room, I heard one of the boys ask his friends, "Did you know that Belle had a sister that died?" 

From the reactions I could see and hear, some of the children were aware and some were not.  Another chaperone, a good friend of Mandy's and preschool teacher who happened to be stationed nearby, handled the conversation.  I meant to ask how she responded to the curious party guests, but never did.

On Wednesday night, my son's girls, N, J and G, came to grandma and grandpa's house for some evening fun time.  Before dinner, "Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs" was playing on DVD and - with no apparent prompt or warning - G looked over at me from across the room and asked, "Grandma, when Kitty died, why did (son-in-law) drive on the lake?"  Thank goodness, as quickly as the question was posed, she got distracted and I dodged her very unexpected question. 

Since the accident, our family has been very open to discussing what happened to Mandy and her family.  After all, the story was broadcast all over the local news for nearly a year, until son-in-law was sentenced.  There was more to clarify than to tell.  There are no secrets - only limits when questions get too personal or offensive. 

We've also been open with all of our grandchildren in talking about what happened to Kitty, about death and about our faith and God.  But now Kitty's cousins, not yet five years old, want to know why their uncle drove on the ice.  The 'what' isn't enough anymore.  We talk about Kitty with them, they see her pictures, we wear lockets with her photo inside, they visit her grave site regularly and I'm sure they've overheard us talking about her and the events following her death.  Naturally, they are going to have questions.  I'm just not fully prepared to answer them.  I didn't anticipate that the 'whys' of Kitty's death would enter their little minds at the age of four.

Three days after G's fleeting curiosity, I am wondering what discussions 6-year-old Belle and 7-year-old N had with their parents when they were the twins' age.  Neither of them ever asked me any 'why' questions.  Possibly, they were satisfied with mom and dad's replies and didn't need to probe any further.  Is G is testing her parents' response, making sure we're all being honest with her and seeking that reassurance?  I really don't even know if she's asked them this particular question why.  Maybe it was put to me first. 

Time to find out ... I need to know what my grandchildren are asking and what they've been told. I want to keep details and explanations consistent.  What gives them comfort?  Are there words or details that disturb them, to avoid?  I can manage the who, what, where, when and hows.  But, I need to prepare myself for those doggone 'whys'.   

I think it was normal just after Kitty died, to ask myself: 'why us?' 'why - for what purpose?' and 'why did God allow this to happen?'  These are tough questions to face and even more challenging to resolve.  Thankfully, I was able to discern answers that I believe to be true, that gave me understanding and insight into God's will. 

Now, my nearly five-year-old granddaughter is beginning to face the 'whys' of her cousin's death.  Asking why son-in-law drove on the ice is just an introduction into her curiosity.  My task is to learn how her parents responded in order to support their explanations while being honest in my own answers.  I want G to be content and to make sense of Kitty's death so she, too, can move along.

Early in my grief work, I came to terms with my personal 'whys'.  Now, I need to figure out what to say to help my little grands.  Then, I'm going to contact Mandy's friend to ask how she handled the conversation with Belle's birthday guests because I know there are many parties yet to come.