There Are Reasons I Keep Things To Myself

o you have those moments when you want to let things out?  You know, when you feel the need to share an idea or an experience about the loss of your grandchild and you actually want to talk about it? 

I had the urge to talk about this blog yesterday at Easter dinner. 

The only two people among all of my family and friends who know I am doing this are my two daughters.  Before I started writing, I needed Mandy to be OK with me 'going public' and I wanted Em's opinion on whether or not she thought anyone would read it.  Both thought it would be good for me to do.  Good  for ME to do.  That got me enthused.  There are no words for how satisfying it is to write about my grief journey.

So ... I was spending Easter with my family and it wasn't planned, but as we were catching up on new endeavors during dinner, an ounce of bravery overcame me.  I decided to tell my sister that I started a blog. 

Recently, she took a new job at a local university.   I listened to her chat about her commute and the benefits, her responsibilities and co-workers, how it's challenging and how very much she enjoys her new position. 

My turn.  "I'm writing a blog."  Her reaction was awesome.  "Really!  What's it about?"  

I was excited to share my experience of blog-writing and what I've learned in the process.  But first, I answered her question and told her that it's for grandparents who have lost a grandchild and what it's like to be a grieving grandparent.  Boy, was that ever a short conversation.  "Oh. "  And she was done.  End of conversation.

Was it such an unexpected topic that it shocked her into silence?  Did she think it was boring?  Or is this a reality she is uncomfortable discussing?   Whatever the reason, I was disappointed.  I was ready to tell her how comforting it is to be able to write about Kitty, to express my sorrow, to share my stories with other grandmothers and grandfathers who grieve.  I wanted to tell her!!

I'm sure many of you have had short conversations, too.  They are part of our reality.  And they make me very grateful for every one of you who is on your own grief journey and are ready to share.