The Grief is Ours: We Have to Cope

Painful reminders ... that's what we call them.  Those things that make you think of your grandchild in a sad, upsetting, having-a-bad-day kind of way.  They aren't the happy memories that bring a smile, but rather cause you to recall details of the illness, the accident, the suffering.

There is a song on a CD that I have to skip every time it plays.  The title is "I Can't Breathe".  It's a love song; a tune about how the woman in his life is so beautiful that she takes his breath away.  I love the melody.  But when I hear the words in the chorus repeating "I can't breathe, I can't breathe", all I can think about is Kitty gasping for air while she was drowning.  Not a good song choice for this grandma.

Last night, I was watching our local news and a preview came on for a new TV show premiering at the end of the month.  The title:  "Brain Dead".  I will not be watching that program.  Is it short-sighted of me to be judging based on the title?  It's just too much for me to handle.  Kitty was declared brain dead three days after the accident. 

In December 2013, 10 months after Kitty died, we received a Christmas card from friends who I'm sure thought they were sending a funny holiday greeting.  I found it quite insensitive.  Have you seen the 'Elf-Yourself' videos available through the big box office supply store?  Well, this couple decided to elf-themselves on a holiday card.  They were drunk elves.  Not very amusing when your son-in-law had been drinking when he caused the accident that killed my granddaughter.

Even phrases such as, 'I'm drowning in paperwork' send me into a tizzy.  Please just say you have too much on your plate. 

Neither the song, the new TV show or the Christmas card are/were mean-spirited - I know that.  The writers and creators most likely haven't walked our path.  They haven't experienced the reality of not being able to breathe or taking a child off life support because they were brain dead.  Most likely, they haven't lost a loved one in  a drunk driving accident, either.

There will always be painful reminders because no one else has felt our heartache.  No one's experiences equal our own.  Most people don't relate to our depth of loss.  They sympathize and try to imagine how we feel.  But they truly do not know.  And I pray they never do.

Painful reminders will never completely go away.  I just have to tell myself that when they sneak into a song, pop up on my TV screen or come in the mail,  it's on me.  I have to cope.  Having a set back once in awhile isn't unusual and it's alright to occasionally have a difficult day.

Then, we need to move on.

"Some days are just bad days, that's all. You have to experience sadness to know happiness, and I remind myself that not every day is going to be a good day, that's just the way it is!"
 - Dita Von Teese