Silent Sadness ... And Thankful for Bootstraps

Today was one of those days that I had to pull up my proverbial bootstraps and push forward.

First, I have to say ... for the past three years, the first 25 days of April have been difficult because Kitty's birthday is April 25.  For 24 days, I anticipate the deep sadness I will feel on the 25th when she will not be with us and we will all be missing her.

Kitty would be four years old in 19 days.  Our family will 'celebrate' with cake, volunteer at Ronald McDonald House, share memories and afterwards, that round of sadness will ease up.

I was called to help serve a funeral lunch today and tonight was the first session in the spring series of my grief group.  Both of these ministries are very important locations along my grief journey.  It is therapeutic to travel back to them often - just not on the same day, especially in April.  It's a lot of grief work to get done within a span of 10 hours, on top of all the preexisting emotions. 

Remembering my favorite funeral lunch lady, I soldiered through the funeral luncheon.  It was a bit harder getting geared up to go back at 6:00 p.m. for the support group.  Reminding myself how much comfort this group provides, however, I knew I needed to get through the evening.  Plus, I made a commitment.

Tonight's topic was an overview of grief, intended to relate to everyone.  The speaker talked about the stages of grief, the normalcy of grieving, that it's OK to have different feelings and emotions than others ... nothing I don't know or haven't heard before.  Then ... at the very end of her presentation, she used two words I hadn't yet heard put together: "silent sadness" ... the silent sadness that doesn't go away even though the pain eases. 

How did she know that this month those two words would be so reassuring - that her presentation was intended to help me today?  Hovering sadness, silent sadness - same thing.  It's normal.  It's real ... especially for grandparents.

At that moment, I felt renewed gratitude for my ministries and the comfort they provide.  And I would be amiss not to mention my thanks for those doggone old bootstraps.