Occupied in Remembrance

Being a bereaved grandparent takes us on a complicated grief journey.  We not only have to work through our own grief, but also that of our child.  In order to be successfully supportive of our children, we need to be understanding of and empathetic to the enormity of their loss and pain.  But our hurt is also deep and we should be caring for ourselves, too. 

How do we manage that?

I've come to realize that 'letting go' of parenting Mandy was my first step in tending to me.  I am still her mom, I love her unconditionally and I do just about everything she asks/needs of me.   But from the moment of the accident until this very moment, she has been - and always will be - Kitty's mother, the one who ultimately makes decisions about how we as a family remember Kitty.  I follow her lead.  That's not to say that Mandy doesn't occasionally ask my opinion, but she makes the call.  She is first and foremost Kitty's mother and her role of parenting takes precedence over mine.

Yes, there is indeed the need to sleep, to rest, to eat well, to express our sadness over losing our grandchild.  But there is also a nagging desire within me to constantly be doing  something in Kitty's memory.  In order to care for myself, I must stay occupied in remembrance.  Once I was able to let go of being the decision-maker for my child,  I could better focus on myself and start doing things that I believe will help me heal.  My energy is now spent on activities that nudge me along through my grief.

In an early post, I wrote about the funeral lunch lady who was so very kind at Kitty's luncheon.  She inspired me to volunteer in the same role at my church.  This small act of service to bereaved families reminds me of the sympathy our family received and brings a comforting memory.

I've mentioned my grief coalition several times.  Being involved in this ministry, through the generous sharing of speakers and group participants, I have moved forward.  By the grace of their personal stories, I receive the gift of insight.  I am enlightened about my grief, I discover different ways of dealing with my loss and I put into perspective just how well - or not so well - I'm doing handling my grief. 

When I first considered writing this blog, I took the concept to Mandy and laid out my ideas - not that I needed her permission, but I wanted her blessing.  Her response was that it was a good idea, that it would help me.  She was right.  Not only does writing provide a channel for my feelings and thoughts, but it is an avenue for other grandparents to possibly be inspired, to know you are not alone.

It's ironic how the simple act of 'letting go' has led me to the 'taking on' of rewarding new ventures.  I have moved from being preoccupied with thoughts of Kitty to being occupied in her remembrance. 

My wheels are always spinning.  There are so many opportunities available to raise awareness of drunk/distracted driving and winter ice safety.  Hospitals and research centers need funding and volunteers.  In one year, Kitty would be starting kindergarten.  Along with Mandy, our family is starting a program at the school that Kitty would be attending.  Our little project will provide supplies not only to the children who would be her classmates, but to all students.  It will allow Kitty to be a part of her class and the entire school community.

Imagine the possibilities.  Allow yourself to be inspired.  Think of all the wonderful ways to honor our deceased grandchildren.  Take care of yourself.  Let go and take on.