Finding Thanks in Thanksgiving After Losing A Grandchild

It's mid-November.  In less than two weeks, my family will be at Mandy and son-in-law's house celebrating with a traditional turkey dinner and giving thanks for all that we have.  It may sound strange to think that anyone can be grateful after losing a grandchild - or any loved one, for that matter - but without gratitude, how do we move forward?

I think back 46 months to the accident and the week that followed and I know that it's a miracle that my daughter and her family didn't all drown. 

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They did everything wrong that night.  No one should have survived.  I cannot, nor do I even want to imagine, what my grief would be like if I had lost Mandy, Belle and Kitty!  I am grateful - not for losing Kitty - but that the others survived.

In past blog entries, I've written about my rocky relationship with son-in-law.  In my opinion, he was not a good choice of husband or father for anyone, much less my daughter and grandchildren.  Since the night he made the irresponsible decision to put his family in danger, he has completely turned his life around.  Sober for almost four years, he continues to advocate for safe driving, has become active in his church and is involved in his children's lives.  I am grateful - not that Kitty died - but that her siblings now have a more interested, caring and responsible father.

Just like any other normal parent, I always thought I had wonderful children.  They weren't perfect, but I was thrilled that I had no major issues to deal with during their growing up.  They did well in school, enjoyed each others' company, participated in extracurricular activities and liked spending time with their parents - imagine that!  I didn't think there was much left in which I could take pride ... my kids are awesome, right? ...until after the accident.

Since, Kitty's death, Mandy developed this wonderful sense of who she is and how she lives her life.  She is respected in many arenas, most notably the bereavement advisory team at Children's Hospital.  In her role, she works with other parents of deceased children to plan events for the newly bereaved.  She speaks to grief support groups and is working on a series of books for children who have lost a sibling.  Mandy has demonstrated strength along an excruciating, yet somehow positive, path.  She has shown me that there are things I can do to make a difference for other grandparents who are grieving.  I am grateful - not that I lost Kitty - but that my own child has become an amazing person and that she and I have the opportunity to help other families who grieve and mourn.

Thanksgiving is on our doorstep.  If this is your first year of celebrating without your grandchild, I guarantee it won't be the same.  Recently, I've attended a few sessions on surviving the holidays and over the next few weeks, I plan on sharing some of the hints/tips/ideas here on the blog. 

Let me begin with this: 
After losing your grandchild, it's hard enough to get through an average day, let alone survive a holiday.  You need to be as strong as you can muster.  Take care of yourself physically, emotionally and spiritually; sleep, take time for yourself, eat well, pray in whatever way comforts you most. 

This Thanksgiving, I am comforted by the realization that I have reasons to be thankful.  No, I am not at all grateful that Kitty died, but rather because Mandy and Belle are alive, Kitty's sisters and brother have a present, caring father and I have found purpose and strength through my daughter.  The turkey, stuffing and pumpkin pie are now a delicious, traditional and most welcome bonus!