My Deceased Grandchild - My Reference Point - My Center

I overheard my daughter tell someone that every decision she and her family make is because of and centered around Kitty Rose and her death.  At the time, I thought that was a bit exaggerated … Really?  Every decision?  Ever since, I have been mulling over Mandy’s statement and its meaning, not only for her and her family, but also for me personally and for the extended family.  Just yesterday, I had that ‘aha’ moment – I think I finally understand.

Off and on over the past few months, I’ve been asking myself, ‘Is Kitty the center of my life?’  ‘Does everything I do revolve around Kitty’s death?’  ‘Do I make everyday choices because of Kitty?’   

The wall along the stairway up to our bedrooms is filled with black and white photographs of my grandchildren at the age of two-weeks.  The pictures are hung in the order the babes were born – oldest at the bottom, winding back down at the top of the stairs to the youngest at the bottom.  A few days ago, I noticed: Kitty’s photo hangs smack in the middle – the center - of those of her siblings and cousins.  At that moment, all those questions I’ve been sporadically pondering filled my mind.  It was time to answer them.
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Obviously, my involvement in grief ministry is a choice I made because of Kitty’s death.  I would not be settled on my couch with my laptop right now if I hadn’t chosen to write about my grief journey and my memories of Kitty.  Mandy and I work to help families with young children who are grieving.  Our family has collectively decided to avoid alcoholic beverages in support of son-in-law.  We select family vacations and gatherings with safety at the forefront of our plans.  In many ways, it is true that we make choices because of Kitty Rose.  However, in my mind, there still seemed to be a gap between some decisions and all decisions.

After my seemingly endless internal debate over Mandy’s statement and with considerable thought and meditation, I’ve found resolution.  Even more comforting is that I realize that Mandy’s statement is so simple and true: the decisions I make because of Kitty are decisions that center me.  I am centered because of her death.
What does it mean to be centered?  According to Dr. Carol Robin, DCC, “Being centered means having a reference point, a place to come back to when life and emotions and stress push you off balance.”  She identifies the body, heart, mind and spirit as places of connection to who we really are, the place of our center.
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When you think about that definition in relation to your grandchild’s death, it makes sense.  Physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually, we need to be healthy in order to cope with the death of our grandchild.  If any one of those aspects of our being is off balance, we lose our center. 

Especially since Kitty died, I have – and continue to make - decisions that center me.  My decisions are because of Kitty.  She is my reference point – the place I go to when I’m off balance. 
·         Physically, I want to stay healthy in order to enjoy my other grandchildren and family well into my senior years. 
·         Mentally, I need to stay strong in order to continue to work in the ministries I’ve chosen because of Kitty’s death. 
·         Emotionally, it is important to recognize times of sadness, but not to fall into despair, so I can live fully and be grateful for Kitty’s life and for the joy she still gives me. 
·         Spiritually, I need God, my faith and the support of my spiritual community to lift me up and to help me remember that Kitty is with Him in our eternal home. 

I’ve learned quite a bit from my child due to the loss of her child.  This one was a challenge, to be sure, but well worth the peace that came with understanding.      
 
The key to keeping your balance is knowing when you've lost it.  -  Anonymous