Losing Our Grandchildren: Let Us Count The Different Ways

A few weeks ago, I had lunch with a dear friend.  We have much in common, including our young grandchildren.  Although her grands are all boys and mine are mostly girls, except for the Basher, our love of being grandmothers is much the same.  Our lives are filled with joy at their accomplishments.  We hurt when they get a boo-boo.  Love abounds.

That day, over a sandwich and piece of pie, my friend reminded me of grandparents who face a different type of loss than those of us whose grandchildren have died– the loss of any chance to spend time with their grandkids.

My mom was one of those grandmothers.  She never met a baby boy, who would now be a young adult.  The mother took her son away.  My brother had no legal rights.  And my mom yearned for the opportunity to know this grandchild.  Our family always noted that my son was mom’s only grandson.  But that wasn’t true.  And mom knew it.  She grieved the loss of the baby she never held in her arms, the little boy she didn’t watch grow up.  She died without ever being introduced to this grandchild.  It was an extremely painful loss for her.

I am grateful that my mom – I don’t think – ever knew about the grandchild who was aborted.  If she was aware, she never uttered a word on the subject.  One of my siblings tearfully opened up to me years ago about the abortion his girlfriend had because she didn’t want her body to change.  He wanted that baby with his whole heart.  He wanted to be a dad.  Just like my other brother, he had no legal right to keep his own child.  He grieved terribly.  A few years later, his girlfriend died by suicide.  This brother lost both his child and his partner.  I can’t help but imagine the anguish my mom would have felt, grieving for her own child and knowing that she had lost two grandchildren.  Then often I wonder … did she know?

In a less tragic sense, there is yet another type of loss for grandparents – that of sons and daughters who relocate, who move so far from home that it makes visits few and far between.  I know a woman whose daughter’s family lives in England.  She has not seen them in the three years since I have known her.  My sister’s only daughter lives in New York.  Their time together is restricted by jobs, finances and the kids’ school and activity schedules.  In a good year, they see each other twice.  I cannot imagine.
 
And then we come to the mothers and fathers who don’t want their parents involved in their children’s lives … those who upfront deny grandparents any chance to see or spend time with their grandchildren.  Thanks to God I have no experience with how that must feel!

Often, I grumble about the ongoing Monday and Friday babysitting gig I have with the Dasher and the Basher or the last minute drop-ins that end up lasting through dinner and well into the evening.  I sometimes complain about how tiring the grandkids are – they have so much energy and require constant attention. 

But, would I change anything?  No.  I am abundantly blessed to know all of my grandbabies and to have them all living within a reasonable driving distance.

When I think about my mom’s pain of not knowing a grandchild, when I think about how she would have felt knowing another grandbaby’s life was aborted and when I consider what it would be like to have my grandchildren living in faraway places or not be allowed to see them, I count my blessings … all nine of them.

This morning, I woke up inspired to write about the losses of grandchildren other than by death.  Today was the day this message needed to be expressed.  I started typing and all morning, my computer crashed continuously.  I kept losing my work.

I stopped for lunch and took some time to recover from my frustration.  Out the back door, I saw a cardinal sitting in the lush green garden in my backyard.  It turned its head and stared at me.  OK, I get the message.  I haven’t seen a cardinal in a long time and the striking red birds are typically a sign for me.  

This was my mom saying ‘try again’.  Go back to your computer.  It will work now.  It is important to recognize grandparents who grieve for the grandchildren they never met, whose lives were ended before they lived or who are absent from daily life.  Yes, these are different type of loss, yet genuine and painful … with the need for recognition and validation.