Happy 5th Birthday - What a Gift!

April 25 ... it's Kitty's 5th birthday.  My age progression photo arrived via e-mail yesterday afternoon, just in time for today's special remembrance.  This is the fifth year for Mandy to take the day off of work, order a cake from a nearby bakery and spend time alone with her daughter at the cemetery.  She throws a private party and I order my custom photo.  We mourn and, at the same time, celebrate our precious Kitty Rose ... in a manner unique and comforting to each of us. 

Four years and three months have passed since Kitty died.  The grief experience is different for every member of our family, as it should be.  We've all taken steps forward on this journey of loss, as well as a backward slip here and there.   But now, 51 months later, I see more than just a step in my daughter's progress.  Over the past month, there have been small leaps.

A few weeks ago, Mandy called to ask whether or not I thought it would be 'weird' to invite some close friends to a birthday party for Kitty at the park.  Wow!  For one day, she is willing to let a select group of family/friends into her circle of mourning.   Of course, her private mother-daughter celebration would remain her own, but Mandy is opening up, willing to let others share in her grief.  Even more amazing to me is that she is now recognizing the need for the rest of us to share our feelings with her.  My daughter is prepared and strong enough to add the grief of others to the load she carries. 

Last week, I got a call from Mandy to let me know that she volunteered me to help with a new program sponsored by the bereavement team at Children's Hospitals of Minneapolis and St. Paul.   I paused a moment and asked when this was happening and what my job(s) would involve ... greeting families, pouring coffee, setting up tables, proofreading the program?  If it was a day I could be there, certainly I was willing to help.  Her answer came as yet another 'Wow!'  She told me that, as a bereaved grandparent with experience in my grief coalition, I am high on the list to serve as an advisor, organizer and speaker for this new endeavor at Children's.  Amazing as that is in itself, it is remarkable that Mandy is willing to hear what I would have to say.  She is ready to listen to my experience and add yet another layer of grief to her already heavy burden.

This past weekend, Kitty's birthday at the park happened.  The kids ran and played.  We shared a party sub.  It was a gorgeous, sunny, but not too warm day ... perfect for celebrating.  While Grandpa and son-in-law followed the little people around the play area, the conversation turned to the boat that son-in-law plans to buy.  This was the largest of all the 'Wow!'s.  In the time since Kitty's death, the plan has been to sell the house and, for convenience, to move closer to the rest of the family.  The old boat was sold almost immediately after the accident.  The  urge to move was pressing.  They couldn't bear to drive over the channel where Kitty drowned, the most direct route to anywhere they need to go.  Now there are plans to buy a new boat.  I'll say it again. 'Wow!'

Four years and three months: the time that has passed for my daughter and her husband to reach a place on their grief journey where they can allow others to share in their mourning, to be comfortable with me sharing my experience as a grieving grandma and to realize that they can stay in their home, buy another boat and drive over that bridge every time they need to go somewhere.

All of this within the past two weeks.

I'm not quite sure whether it's acceptance, healing, coming to peace, reaching a certain point on the grief journey or whatever else it could possibly be.  I do know, however, that it is a gift ... a wonderful, truly amazing gift.  And considering the timing, a gift to us from our little angel on her 5th birthday. 

Thank you and Happy Birthday, Kitty Rose!