Getting Over 'The Wall': We All Express Grief Differently

I was enlightened recently about the difference between mourning and grieving ... did you know that they are not exactly the same thing?  Grieving is internal and unexpressed - it is what/how we feel.  Mourning is external - the outward expression of our grief.  

Not to sound like a phonograph record ... you all know this ... we all grieve and mourn differently.  Each of us has our own way of dealing with the loss of our grandchild.

  Personally, I need to outwardly tell the story, to express my thoughts, feelings, ideas and opinions about Kitty's death.  'Getting it out' makes me feel better.  This blog is an obvious example of my mourning.  It allows me to say what I believe, how I feel and exactly what I think.  It is liberating ... it frees me more and more from my grief, from my inner struggle.  And, it spares my friends and family from listening.

There are other ways I express my grief: wearing my locket with Kitty's picture inside, taking care of her cemetery marker, donating to charities in her memory, volunteering at Ronald McDonald House, celebrating her birthday and the anniversary week of her death.  These all seem - to me - to be normal ways of showing that I love and miss my granddaughter so very much.

At Mandy's house, there are some very lovely expressions in memory of Kitty.  Under a tree In the back yard, a memorial bench engraved with her name is surrounded by rose bushes.  At Christmas time, a small tree adorned with special ornaments and mementos is placed in the living room.  A framed photo collage of Kitty's baby pictures hangs in the hallway, along with those of her siblings.

And then there's 'the wall'.  The wall makes me uncomfortable.  I find it depressing and sad.

In the lower level of the house, this tear-inducing, lavender-painted wall has a ledge that runs the entire width of the room.  Underneath the ledge, dark pink roses are stenciled.  Sitting atop are the three poster boards that were displayed at Kitty's funeral.  Shelving on the wall holds Kitty's special belongings: a keepsake box from her baptism, her baby blanket, favorite toys, a personalized snow globe, a Shutterfly book commemorating each month of her life, hand prints, footprints and, of course, framed photographs. 

It's just too much for this grandma to handle.  It's like a personal shrine.

I don't know whether Mandy or son-in-law came up with the design idea, but it is obviously an act of mourning, agreed upon by both.  Who am I to say if it is unusual, weird, morbid, strange, abnormal - whatever word you want to use - or not.  It is an expression of their grief.  If it is soothing to them as a family, then I am pleased that they created this tribute and I respect it.

Yes, we all grieve and mourn in our own way and we have to do whatever helps us personally.  Nothing is right or wrong, proper or improper, acceptable or unacceptable.  Whether I can or cannot look at 'the wall' doesn't matter,  I want my daughter to keep moving forward on her grief journey and if walking past and seeing this continuous reminder inches her along in a positive direction, then hooray! 

In a strange, convoluted way, 'the wall' is helping me on my path, too.  Watching Mandy progress through her grief is comforting and reassuring to me - it moves me forward with hope of continued healing for all of us.

The next time I am visiting my daughter and her family, I will look at the wall with a new perspective.  It might still be uncomfortable and possibly I will cry, but I'm hoping to envision the peace it brings to Mandy and her family.  And just as I accept that we each have different ways of grieving and mourning, I hope to better understand, to embrace and to more easily get over the wall.