Finding Comfort in Grief at Christmastime

Christmas day is a mere five days away and I'm feeling really good about the progress that's been made in preparation for my family celebration.  Cards and packages have been mailed, wrapping of gifts is well underway.  Three out of four varieties of cookies are baked, frosted and frozen.  Tree and decorations?  Check.  There is, however, one thing that I'm struggling to get done - one thing I simply cannot make myself do.  It's neither physically demanding nor time consuming, but emotionally it's extremely difficult.  

Christmas day is a mere five days away and I'm feeling really good about the progress that's been made in preparation for my family celebration.  Cards and packages have been mailed, wrapping of gifts is well underway.  Three out of four varieties of cookies are baked, frosted and frozen.  Tree and decorations?  Check.  There is, however, one thing that I'm struggling to get done - one thing I simply cannot make myself do.  It's neither physically demanding nor time consuming, but emotionally it's extremely difficult.  

There is an ornament I cannot place on my Christmas tree.  It's my most special bangle, given to me by my daughter, Mandy, the first Christmas after Kitty died.  I'm sure you've seen - or possibly have yourself - a similar version or another precious decoration that triggers your grief.  These beautiful keepsakes are meant to provide comfort at this time of year when we miss our grandchildren so fiercely and our hearts ache for both ourselves and for our sons and daughters.  Engraved on my ornament are the words, "Merry Christmas from Heaven" and "I'm spending my Christmas with Jesus this year."

How glorious the thought of spending Christmas wrapped in the arms of Jesus - after all, isn't that the premise of our Christian faith?  He came to earth as a baby on Christmas day in order to suffer and die for us on Good Friday, to rise on Easter and to give us the promise of eternal life.  Indeed, that's an extremely condensed version of the life and death of Christ, but what could be more awesome than to spend Christmas with Jesus, our Messiah?

So, why am I having so much trouble with hanging this priceless ornament?  Why is it so hard to be comforted by its message? 

The answer: Grief.  

I've put off placing this bauble because I suspect that opening the little green box, reading the poem that sits next to it, gazing at Kitty's happy little face and wishing she was still with us could make me cry.  It might make me sad.  And, I shouldn't be emotionally upset at Christmastime.  After all, it's 'the most wonderful time of the year', right?

This is our seventh Christmas without Kitty; the seventh time I've hung my keepsake ornament in a place of prominence on the tree.  It's not a new, first-time experience, yet it remains one the most difficult things I do each year.  Many times, I have heard grief 'specialists' talk about preparing yourself for the holidays:  'Brace yourself.'  'Be aware.'  'Prepare for the grief to rise up.'  'Set aside holiday tasks if you're overwhelmed.'  It's all wonderful, helpful advice.  Yet, as I shop for my living grandchildren, I'm remembering the child for whom I'm not making a purchase.  What would make her squeal with delight as she unwraps my gift to her?  Which cookie would be her first choice off the tray?  What role  would she have in her school's holiday program?

Despite the experts' warnings and words of wisdom, I grieve.

Instead of toys and treats to wrap for her, I buy an angel to be hung on Kitty's own special tree at my daughter's house.  A candle is placed at her gravesite.  Along with memorial gifts and prayers, that is all I can do for this granddaughter.  These few things and one other - to hang my ornament where I can look up and see her cherubic, smiling face throughout the rest of Advent and during the 12 Days of Christmas.  I can cherish my memories of her.  

Yes, I will cry as I open the box, read the poem and gaze at Kitty's face as I place my ornament on the tree.  And I will mourn.  But my grief will be accompanied by the  consolation of knowing that she is spending Christmas in Heaven with Jesus again this year. 

May your Christmas be blessed with loving memories.
​Merry Christmas!

Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted ~ Matthew 5:4

---