Do I Like Him Yet?: I'm Making Slow Progress

Overcoming adversity.  It's in the news every day.  We're either hearing about or talking about improving the stressed relationships in our communities through tolerance, listening and acceptance.  The book I most recently discussed in the blog ended with a chapter about using our grief and loss to find a cause, to work towards making a difference.  Both messages are clear: there needs to be positive action for positive change to take place ... to overcome division, whether globally or personally.

The summer after Kitty died, I attended an annual gathering of former co-workers and friends.  During the course of the evening, I was asked how things were moving along for Mandy and her family and someone asked, "Do you like him any better now?", referring to my previous, well-known dislike for son-in-law.

I laughed out loud.  LOL.  This was a never-anticipated question that caught me off guard and for which I didn't have an answer.  I remember mumbling something to the effect of, 'well, I wouldn't want to be him'. 

A year later, 18 months after we lost Kitty, there was another get-together with the same group of friends and a different person asked the same question, "Do you like him any better now?"  This time, I just smiled.  I'd had a year to come up with a response.  This time, my reply was more like, 'I have a great deal of empathy for him, he is doing everything asked of him by the legal system, he accepts responsibility ... and I wouldn't want to be him.'

Three and a half years have now passed since Kitty died.  No one has asked the question since that last meeting with my old work friends.  But, I'm finally prepared.

Do I like him any better now? 

Answer:  Our relationship has improved.  He has expressed his desire to make life better for Mandy and their children.  He demonstrates more respect for family and readily admits his shortcomings.  He has been humbled, has asked our forgiveness and continues to advocate for safe, sober driving well after his probationary requirement was completed.  Because of his actions, I am slowly overcoming the adversity of my great dislike.

When I think back and mull over the question, 'Do you like him any better now?'  I really believe what was being asked was, 'Has the loss of Kitty, this tragic adversity for you and your family, caused your relationship with son-in-law to change in a positive way?' 

Simple answer.  Yes.  Through his continued efforts and my gradual acceptance, we are moving forward at a steady, though slow pace.

As bereaved grandparents, adversity is an everyday struggle.  We're trying to understand the loss, to help our children cope with daily life, to heal, to find that illusive "why?", to inch our way along a grief path leading towards the ultimate goal of acceptance and peace. 

I'm working on it.  Son-in-law is working on it.  I'm certain all of you reading this are trying to move ahead on your grief journeys, too.  With time and patience, my perspective has broadened.  The response to my feelings towards son-in-law has positively progressed.  I have learned that tolerance, listening and acceptance really can work.