Digging Deep: What Can I Offer Other Grieving Grandparents?

Recently, I was asked to participate in a special grief session designed specifically for grandparents.  The invitation came verbally several months ago in a very vague 'would you be willing to ...' manner.  Until about one week before the session, I didn't have a clear grasp on either my role or what to expect.  When I learned that I was to 'provide a nugget … something newly bereaved grandparents could take away to give them ideas for coping', I dug deep.

The group sponsoring the session had no experience from a grandparents point of view.  Among the topics they asked me to prepare for discussion were: telling my story, handling holidays as a family, the change in my relationship with my grieving adult child, where I found support, what was helpful to me in my grief, how my grief has changed over time and whether or not I would do anything differently now than I did five years ago.  I spent a week preparing - writing my answers first on notepaper and then condensing them - twice - onto note cards.  In my mind, I traveled back and sifted through my own grief journey to search for a few 'nuggets'.  The process involved a full seven days, reliving Kitty's death: the night of the accident, the days spent at Children's Hospital, the morning she died, funeral preparation, her services and the many people who shared their condolences. 

Then, I doubled back to figuratively walk the timeline of my grief, post-funeral.  As confident as I am in myself that I have done a reasonably good job of 'accepting' Kitty's death and living life without her as the new norm, this was not easy.  But, I've since decided that it was good for me to go back, recall and reexperience my grief journey from the beginning.  

Below are the nuggets I shared with those who attended the grandparents session.

I thought back to my moment of acceptance, the exact time that I answered my 'why' question to my personal satisfaction.  That was an extremely valuable step, bringing a small level of comfort and peace. Nugget #1: Your 'why' moment will arrive - unplanned, unexpected and most likely unrealized for some time.  

My belief that time doesn't heal grief was reinforced. Nugget #2: The pain never goes away completely.  Rather, you adapt to a new norm, embracing your grief because of the deep love you have for your grandchild.  "Grief is the price we pay for love." - Queen Elizabeth II

When I was newly bereaved, there were times I wanted to talk and times I did not want to talk.  Everyone in my family was also dealing with Kitty's death.  I certainly couldn't 'dump' my grief on top of any of theirs, especially Mandy's.  Lord knows she had more than her share to handle.  I was extremely lucky to have a friend who had also lost a grandchild several years ago.  Nugget #3: Find a 'go-to' person outside your family who understands and who is willing to listen when you need someone. 

Over the course of the past five years, it has been consistently important to me to remember Kitty through various forms of expression.  Obviously, I like to write about her.  A few of the other ways our family has kept her present in our lives include donating to charities in her name, creating a memorial garden, placing flowers and decorations at her gravesite, celebrating her birthday and volunteering in her memory.  Mandy's book is a wonderful expression that not only honors Kitty, but helps other families with surviving siblings cope with the death of a child.  Nugget #4:  No matter the form, expression keeps your grandchild present in your life.  You will never forget them.

Nugget #5:  It's OK to be alone, to talk about your grandchild, to NOT talk about your grandchild, to grieve on our own terms and to find some measure of peace and healing at your own pace.

At the end of the session, one of the moderators told the grandparents not to be surprised if they were tired the next day.  It had been an emotional evening.  I agreed with her, but didn't think it would apply to me … until I woke up the next morning!

Yes, going back and digging deep was exhausting, emotional, heart-breaking and any other 'sad' term you want to name it.  However, it was good for me and I hope that sharing my nuggets of hope, acceptance and love helped those who attended and will also help you.