Deja Vu: The Fear of Losing Another Grandchild

he phone rang at 3:30 this afternoon.  It was my other son-in-law letting me know that my 4-day-old  granddaughter was in the ER.   He and my daughter took her to the pediatrician this morning and were promptly sent to Children's Hospital in St. Paul.  Baby isn't eating, is severely dehydrated, lost too much weight and is jaundiced.

The second call came just an hour later to tell me that our little LE was being admitted. 

When the third call came, it was my crying daughter, rattling off a list of items they needed brought from home to the hospital and asking me to feed their pets.  I asked if she and other son-in-law wanted me to bring dinner.  No, they had eaten at Ronald McDonald House before she called.  She gave me their room number.

It didn't hit me until after we had fed the animals, gathered the toothbrushes and my husband and I were on our way to Children's.  That's when I briefly panicked.  When Mandy and son-in-law held vigil at Children's - Minneapolis, they stayed at the Ronald McDonald House located within the hospital.  We go back twice a year to serve meals in Kitty's memory.  Now my youngest daughter and her husband are dining at RMH.  They have a room number ... is it actually in RMH or is it a 'regular' patient room?  How sick is baby LE?  Those were questions I had while on the phone, but didn't feel should be asked to my tearful child.  I wouldn't know until I could see for myself.  Indeed, during our 15-minute drive, I had flashbacks.  Deja vu.  Thank goodness it's was a fairly quick ride.

Upon checking in at the welcome desk, I was immediately relieved to find baby's room was not in the ICU and mom and dad were not staying at RMH.  LE does have an IV, is attached to monitors and is sleeping under a bilirubin light.  Thank goodness the situation is not critical.  With the care of her doctors and nurses, the IV in her tiny arm, the bilirubin light and the grace of God, it should not become critical.  Our little LE should be just fine.

The fear of losing another grandchild, however, is very real.  I worried before LE was born that there wouldn't be any last minute complications.  Tonight, I was fearful of what I would find when I walked into Children's.  Every day, I think about my older grandchildren and say little prayers here and there that they don't get sick, that there aren't any more accidents and that their guardian angels vigilantly protect them from the evils of our world.  Losing one grandchild makes me much more aware of life's fragility.  How would I handle the death of another?

The other day, I happened upon a Facebook post from a woman who had lost three grandchildren.  I am haunted by a local story of the father who killed his three young daughters in the summer of 2012.  I recall siblings who died in a house fire.  I personally know women who've had multiple miscarriages.  It's not uncommon - there are many grandparents who have lost more than one grandchild and watched their children suffer the loss of their sons and daughters.  i wonder how they bear so much pain.  Could I be so strong?

I hope and pray that I never experience the death of a second grandchild.  I'm not at all interested in discovering my strength or my ability to handle another overwhelming loss.  I am grateful for the care LE is receiving at Children's and am confident she will be OK and be able to go home soon.

To all of the grandmothers and grandfathers reading this, I want you to know that I respect and admire each one of you, especially those who have endured multiple losses.  I think of and pray for you often.  I hold you in my heart.  May God bless you on your grief path.  May he keep you strong and lead you to comfort.     

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