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There they sat in the tree outside my window - mama and papa cardinal, plump, robust and quite content on the first day of winter. Ah yes, my parents bringing me a reminder, a sign that at the onset of the season, day by day, we gradually gain more daylight. Our lives will see a bit more sunshine every day from now until summer. How true, this analogy to our grief. Slowly, step-by-step, we feel a little bit better. We gradually heal. We gain more sunlight.  Last week, I attended the annual Christmas program at Belle and the Dasher's school and preschool. I went early to drop off a gift at the house for Kitty. This was certainly not a surprise gift. It is the sixth Christmas since Kitty's death and every year since, I have given Mandy one piece of a set of angel ornaments to hang on Kitty's special Christmas tree.
What was different this year was that I was there when the porcelain angel, dressed in green, was carefully placed in the tree, joining the pink, white, silver, gold and red cherubs already in place. I felt privileged to be there at the moment. Memories of our precious Kitty Rose on her first and only Christmas make me both laugh and cry. She was so funny, lying on her back underneath my Christmas tree, trying so hard to pull branches down into her mouth. Front and center of all my little grandchildren lined up for the traditional cousin photo, Kitty was interested in the camera and tried her hardest to get close to it, placing her in the forefront of every single picture. How happy it makes me to have these images and the reminders of her bright - and very determined - personality. I no longer not feel any of the anxiety that Christmas time often brings. The first Christmas after Kitty died was awful … what to say and not to say to Mandy and son-in-law … choosing gifts thoughtfully so not to cause any upsets … remembering Kitty's love of the tree lights and the camera the year before and now missing her … yes, the first year after our loss was no less than awful. Gradually, I've learned to handle the holidays by remembering what is truly important. Of course, I still want a clean and festively decorated home when family arrives for dinner. I would like to serve a meal that both satisfies and delights. But, if I still haven't found the tree topper or the stick-on bows don't get stuck on all of the gifts, who really cares? On this Christmas Day, the sixth Christmas since the death of my granddaughter, my family will all be gathered together to celebrate not only the birth of Jesus, but also to rejoice in the promise he brings of brighter days and continued hope, peace and joy. Merry Christmas!
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