 Next Sunday, sixteen family members and close friends will be 'walking and rolling' in memory of Kitty at a fundraiser for Faith's Lodge, a retreat center that supports parents and families coping with the death or medically complex condition of a child. I kind of wish that the event was today, rather than a week from now, although I completely understand the reasoning. So, for today I am at home enjoying a peaceful afternoon and gratefully anticipating next Sunday's event.
Both Mother's and Father's Day - quite honestly - aren't very enjoyable anymore. As I suspect may be true for many grieving grandparents, we are also bereaved sons and daughters. We have no living parents to honor and we silently watch our own children suffer through the well-intended greetings of 'Happy Mother's/Happy Father's Day' as they mourn the loss of their child.
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 I told myself that I wasn't going to write this. My personal platform was not going to become an advertisement and I certainly don't want to be involved in - or accused of - conflict of interest. But, I've changed my mind. After all, if there is something that can help others, why not share?
I've briefly mentioned Mandy's book in past articles. Now, proud mother that I am, I'm going to tell you all about it. Possibly, it's a book that would be helpful for your family. "Stella's Story: Dealing With Sibling Loss" is intended for young children who have experienced the death of a brother or sister. It tells of the sisters' relationship before Stella dies, touches on the accident, describes how life changes after Stella is gone and encourages discussion within the family. At the end are tips for helping parents talk to their young children about their loss. Resource: "Healing A Grandparent's Grieving Heart - 100 Practical Ideas After Your Grandchild Dies"8/27/2016 This quick read by Alan D. Wolfelt would have been a fantastic resource in the early months of my grief journey. If you know a recently bereaved grandparent - or if you are mourning the loss of your own grandchild - "Healing A Grandparent's Grieving Heart - 100 Practical Ideas After Your Grandchild Dies" would make a thoughtful and useful gift. Nothing says you can't get a copy for yourself!
In the first year after Kitty died, I had no shortage of people with whom to talk. Opportunities were over the phone with family and friends, over the fence with neighbors and over the internet with Facebook contacts. Everyone wanted updates on Mandy and son-in-law ... especially after yet another court appearance and the news updates that followed.
When Kitty and her dad weren't much of a story anymore, the curiosity ended and so did the conversations. My friend, Rita continued her weekly calls to check on me. My family was there if I wanted to talk, but they were dealing with their own grief. I wanted and needed to find a new outlet - a different place to mourn with others, more specifically, with other bereaved grandparents. It's amazing how God gives us what we need at the time we most need it.  just finished reading "When A Grandchild Dies: What to Do, What to Say, How to Cope" by Nadine Galinsky Feldman. As most resources available to grandparents, not every chapter related to me personally, but overall, I found it worth reading.
What sets this book apart from others is that Galinsky Feldman uses insights, stories and quotes from many bereaved grandparents In order to provide a wider perspective beyond her own family's loss. After losing two children and seeing the pain her mother experienced, she realized the lack of grief resources available to grandparents. Before I tell you about the book I recently added to our resource list, I have a request. There is now a Facebook page for Grandparents Grief and I welcome you to 'Like' the page. Generally, it provides updates when there is a new blog entry, but when I have a small snippet to share, that is where it will be posted.
You can either click the Facebook icon found on the right side of this page beneath the blog category list or go directly to fb and search for Grandparents Grief. Our fb address is: www.facebook.com/grandparentsgrief . Thank you! Now, on to the book:  On the first anniversary of Kitty's death, I received the most unexpected and touching gift. Someone remembered. Someone cared enough to let me know that one year later, they were thinking of and praying for Kitty, me, my husband and our family.
A card arrived in the mail with a little booklet enclosed – A CareNote. It's entitled, “On the First Anniversary of Your Loss”.  When I started the Resources page on this site, I decided that I was not going to put out a long list of references for the sole purpose of having an impressive looking list.
To me, it is more beneficial to recommend resources that I feel could be helpful for other bereaved grandparents based on my experience. It would be a misrepresentation for me to put out a litany of books/articles I have not read or to recommend a program, website or speaker of which I know nothing. Tonight, for the first time, I listed a book. I know exactly how lucky I am to live a mile down the street from the cemetery where my deceased family members have their grave sites. My daughter and son-in-law could have chosen to bury their child closer to their home - nearly an hour away - but rather made the decision to keep Kitty with her great- and great-great grandparents and close to me. I am so grateful.
The cemetery is lovely. It is well tended and beautifully landscaped. There is much comfort to be found spending time there. I never was angry. In the three years since the accident that caused Kitty's death, I nave not felt one smidgen of anger. Why has that bothered me so much? What is wrong with me? After all, I am supposed to go through those famous five stages, right?
Most of us have heard about the five stages of grief. In my mind, they are used by many as a reference when trying to comfort someone after losing a loved one, i.e. it's OK to feel that way because you are in the stage of _____ (fill in the blank to fit the emotion). |
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