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A six-year old girl died yesterday. She wasn't just a child I heard about on the news. Her name is Jordyn and she was a student at the school where Mandy works. Jordyn was not one of my daughter's students, yet Mandy knew who she was and can tell stories about the older sister and the brother who aspires to attend Harvard. Yes, a school is a village, where families come together to learn, to grow close, and now, to grieve.
Mandy called before 2:30 yesterday afternoon. Often she calls on her 45-minute drive home (no worries, she has hands-free calling in her vehicle). It's the best time to talk without interruptions. Knowing that her normal Friday ends at that time, I wondered why the call came early. But, before I could ask she said, "She died." It had been a difficult day to work through and she couldn't focus any longer. It was time to go home.
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April 25 ... it's Kitty's 5th birthday. My age progression photo arrived via e-mail yesterday afternoon, just in time for today's special remembrance. This is the fifth year for Mandy to take the day off of work, order a cake from a nearby bakery and spend time alone with her daughter at the cemetery. She throws a private party and I order my custom photo. We mourn and, at the same time, celebrate our precious Kitty Rose ... in a manner unique and comforting to each of us.
In my last post, I briefly wrote about my friend whose daughter is fighting a losing battle with cancer. Despite her busyness in preparing for the unavoidable, she found time to call me last week and our conversation brought back some memories and feelings that nudge me to write about them. It's another one of those days.
Thanksgiving week is here. On Thursday, we will gather with family and friends to share not only a traditional dinner, but also to give thanks for our blessings. Your grandchild has died and you're not feeling very grateful. So, how in the world are you going to get through the day ... much less the next month of holiday celebrations?
In my last post, I briefly touched on presentations I've attended on how to survive the season while grieving. The one common thread I heard from all of the speakers was this: plan ahead. What can we do now that will help ease the stress of upcoming holidays and events?  When I started reading "A Grandparent's Sorrow". I thought I would get through the 40-page book in a flash. My expectation was to be writing this blog entry last week. Rather, I found myself re-reading certain sections, telling myself this book wasn't really meant for me and wondering why the book's title doesn't truly represent it's contents.
It took awhile, but I figured it out. I'll get to that in a few minutes. Being a bereaved grandparent takes us on a complicated grief journey. We not only have to work through our own grief, but also that of our child. In order to be successfully supportive of our children, we need to be understanding of and empathetic to the enormity of their loss and pain. But our hurt is also deep and we should be caring for ourselves, too.
How do we manage that? Yesterday, I had one of those moments ... an embarrassing, wish-I-hadn't-done-that, feeling-bad-now kind of moments. Am I an insensitive grandmother? I most certainly hope not! But, I sure feel like one today.
 I spent my afternoon boxing, bagging and wrapping gifts, tying them up with satin ribbon for the perfect finishing touch. Tomorrow we head over to Mandy and son-in-law's house for Belle's 6th birthday party. Yesterday was Mandy's 35th birthday. Time flies.
Earlier this week, in a 'kind-of, sort-of' related conversation with friends, someone commented that she knew that she and her husband were going to have a "nice baby" by the way she felt physically while pregnant. Her theory is that you can predict your child's personality by their behavior in the womb. Well, of course, I couldn't resist putting that idea to the test. I thought I understood what Mandy was going through after Kitty died. I could see how much she suffered, although having never lost a child myself, I did not know exactly what she was thinking or feeling. I could only imagine the unimaginable loss and pain.
Two and a half years later, I gained insight. I heard my daughter speak.  Today was 'Ribbons of Remembrance', the annual memorial service organized by the staff of Children's Hospital - Minneapolis/St. Paul. I attended the first time in 2013, just four months after Kitty died. It was important to Mandy that our entire family be there.
What a beautifully planned and orchestrated event. |
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