Being a Good Listener - Only When Your Child is Ready

Talking about Kitty helps me feel better.  When I am able to express my feelings and thoughts about her and about her death, it releases a little bit of pain … forces it out.

Recently, I read an article about helping your child deal with their loss by listening to them and hearing what they are actually saying.  Well, what if your child isn't talking? 

After the accident, my kid sure wasn't saying very much.

I've know that, for legal reasons, she was intentionally not told some specifics of the case against her husband.  There were things she couldn't talk about because she didn't know herself.  That was for her own protection.  Sometimes, I think she chose not to start a discussion because either it would prompt topics for which she didn't have answers or she didn't want to cause speculation.  Many of my questions went unanswered for a long time.

Now, after reading recent legal documents and hearing her speak at a grief support group, I know that talking about what happened probably made her feel worse on top of being kept in the dark and trying to avoid guesses and gossip.

Often, in the midst of our grief, we forget that our child may have also suffered injuries and had to heal in ways beyond dealing with their immeasurable loss.  Mandy experienced trauma, hypothermia, abrasions and abnormally high heart rate at the time of the accident.  During the following three years, she has had anxiety, acute Stress Disorder, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, disordered sleep, survivor's guilt and bouts of anxiety attacks.

Why would you want to talk about your grief when it makes you miserable?

I am a huge advocate of expression as a steps on a grief journey, whether it be talking to someone, journaling, composing a piece of music, writing a poem, or participating in physical activity.  Expression comes in many forms, different for each one of us.

But it isn't productive if it makes you feel worse.  There is no set-in-stone time frame for the grief process.  How long it takes you to want to talk about losing your grandchild or for your child to share their feelings and emotions is a personal choice.

You can't be a good listener if your child isn't ready to talk.  But you can watch for their expression to come forward, for the pain to eke its way out.  Then you will finally be able to listen and take steps towards healing through sharing.