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I thought I understood what Mandy was going through after Kitty died. I could see how much she suffered, although having never lost a child myself, I did not know exactly what she was thinking or feeling. I could only imagine the unimaginable loss and pain.
Two and a half years later, I gained insight. I heard my daughter speak.
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Do you ever feel like you're imagining things ... you want a sign or a message so badly that you concoct images or interpret people's words in a way that you want to see and hear? Naturally, you want to feel comforted, to know your grandchild is at peace, to come closer to acceptance and peace yourself. I know that I do. I want to believe that signs have been given to me.
Then, from somewhere, comes yet another gift ... the gift of reassurance ... you know you're not crazy. Indeed, you have received something extraordinary. Just over a year ago, I was on last-minute babysitting duty and had my then 5-year-old granddaughter, N, with me on the day of a hair appointment. I took her with me to the salon where she sat on a chair across the aisle and entertained my stylist, Hannah, with expressive stories about her twin sisters, her cousins and Kitty ... specifically that Kitty had died.
I remember the day I started taking care of myself.
Even before Kitty died, the immediate need was to help Mandy and her family. They spent a week living with us - from the day of Kitty's death until after the funeral. Painful reminders ... that's what we call them. Those things that make you think of your grandchild in a sad, upsetting, having-a-bad-day kind of way. They aren't the happy memories that bring a smile, but rather cause you to recall details of the illness, the accident, the suffering.
There is a song on a CD that I have to skip every time it plays. The title is "I Can't Breathe". It's a love song; a tune about how the woman in his life is so beautiful that she takes his breath away. I love the melody. But when I hear the words in the chorus repeating "I can't breathe, I can't breathe", all I can think about is Kitty gasping for air while she was drowning. Not a good song choice for this grandma. Often, I hear stories about birds. More specifically, of birds symbolizing messages from our deceased loved ones. I have a story of my own that I've kept to myself for awhile. Today, I feel like sharing.
The dates between the accident and Kitty's funeral were January 18-25, 2013. One month later, my mom died. For the past three years, January and February have been a sad time of remembrance for our family and close friends. But, this year, it was different. I received unexpected, yet very welcome visitors during that exact week in January. The cardinals came. 've talked a little about some of the odd, yet well-intended, comments people made when Kitty died. It's an uncomfortable situation when offering sympathy to others - especially when a child dies. Expressions can be awkward, strange, rambling, amusing or ... yes ... even stupid. But they are easily forgiven and lovingly accepted, knowing the message is heartfelt.
There is something else I have not mentioned that disturbed me more than anything that was said. It's an observation I made at the funeral that has gnawed at me when I remember it and think about it.  We didn't know it at the time, but Mandy was pregnant when Kitty died. It was a difficult time to be waiting for a new baby while mourning your 8-month-old grandchild, but it was good for us to have a 'happy' distraction.
Knowing we were having another granddaughter, I was excited when Dasher was born - days within nine months from the day of the accident. This baby gave our family the chance to regain some joy. There is no replacing a child that has died - that will never happen - but there is a reality that you can move forward, allowing happiness and hope to return. This past weekend we celebrated Memorial Day - the day we remember with gratitude the members of the armed forces who died while serving our country. It is a tradition of our family to spend at least one day of the weekend observing the holiday - attending a service, visiting cemeteries and ending the day with a family picnic.
Part of our annual routine includes trimming and cleaning the markers of all our deceased family members ... including Kitty's. |
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