 On the first anniversary of Kitty's death, I received the most unexpected and touching gift. Someone remembered. Someone cared enough to let me know that one year later, they were thinking of and praying for Kitty, me, my husband and our family.
A card arrived in the mail with a little booklet enclosed – A CareNote. It's entitled, “On the First Anniversary of Your Loss”.
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 On Wednesday, April 25, 2012, Kitty was born.
She would be four years old today. Because Kitty's birthday falls on a Monday, Mandy and her family celebrated yesterday. She, son-in-law, Belle and the two youngest kidlets - the Dasher, 2 1/2 and the Basher, 5 months - packed a lunch, bought a cake and visited the cemetery for a picnic. Then the cake came with them to grandma and grandpa's house and we recalled that happy day four years earlier when Kitty came into our world. She was not a beautiful baby by any means, but she was different from any of my other grandchildren in one very special way. She was - and still is - Mandy's second child. esday night was the third week of my grief coalition's spring series. During small group discussion, one of the participants expressed the inability to go through papers left in her deceased husband's dresser drawer. She just can't bring herself to read them yet. Other members at the table assured her that it's perfectly OK to wait until she's ready.
It reminded me of the photos I have tucked away. Just after Kitty died, the chaplain at Children's hospital used my camera to take pictures of Kitty with Mandy, son-in-law and Belle. Kitty was removed from all of the machines, cleaned up, swaddled in a blanket and photos were taken.  When I started the Resources page on this site, I decided that I was not going to put out a long list of references for the sole purpose of having an impressive looking list.
To me, it is more beneficial to recommend resources that I feel could be helpful for other bereaved grandparents based on my experience. It would be a misrepresentation for me to put out a litany of books/articles I have not read or to recommend a program, website or speaker of which I know nothing. Tonight, for the first time, I listed a book.  Today I experienced my first official grandparents' day school event ... and then some.
My oldest granddaughter is 6-years-old and in full day kindergarten. Her twin sisters will turn four in about a month and attend preschool at the same parish school. Today was a big deal for them. After dismissal, we were going to get ice cream. The church was packed and we ended up sitting in the back section where it was hard for the little people to see what was happening. Mandy called earlier today. She had a couple of questions. The first was about a school event for Belle. The second struck me as a bit odd.
She needs a large martini glass from Michael's - the craft store - to donate to Belle's school as part of a centerpiece for an upcoming fundraiser. Did I know if next week's coupon would be a 50% off coupon? She has a half off coupon, but it's only good through today. The nearest Michael's is all the way to the cities ... if she knew next week's coupon was going to be a 50% off deal, she would wait until her drive home from work one day. Did she really want to run that errand today or not? It didn't take long for the light bulb to turn on. I know exactly how lucky I am to live a mile down the street from the cemetery where my deceased family members have their grave sites. My daughter and son-in-law could have chosen to bury their child closer to their home - nearly an hour away - but rather made the decision to keep Kitty with her great- and great-great grandparents and close to me. I am so grateful.
The cemetery is lovely. It is well tended and beautifully landscaped. There is much comfort to be found spending time there. Today was one of those days that I had to pull up my proverbial bootstraps and push forward.
First, I have to say ... for the past three years, the first 25 days of April have been difficult because Kitty's birthday is April 25. For 24 days, I anticipate the deep sadness I will feel on the 25th when she will not be with us and we will all be missing her. I never was angry. In the three years since the accident that caused Kitty's death, I nave not felt one smidgen of anger. Why has that bothered me so much? What is wrong with me? After all, I am supposed to go through those famous five stages, right?
Most of us have heard about the five stages of grief. In my mind, they are used by many as a reference when trying to comfort someone after losing a loved one, i.e. it's OK to feel that way because you are in the stage of _____ (fill in the blank to fit the emotion). |
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