5 Stages of Grief ... How Many Do You Recognize?

I never was angry.  In the three years since the accident that caused Kitty's death, I nave not felt one smidgen of anger.  Why has that bothered me so much?  What is wrong with me?  After all, I am supposed to go through those famous five stages, right?

Most of us have heard about the five stages of grief.  In my mind, they are used by many as a reference when trying to comfort someone after losing a loved one, i.e. it's OK to feel that way because you are in the stage of  _____  (fill in the blank to fit the emotion).

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, a Swiss psychiatrist, first introduced the stages in her 1969 book, "On Death and Dying."  They are: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.  They are not meant to strike in any particular order, but they are common emotions experienced during the grief process.

I have every right to be mad about Kitty's death.  Her father, a man I never wanted my daughter to marry, made a stupid, bad decision that caused the accident.  I should have been furious with him ... at least for awhile. 

Not everything we read or hear is true for all.  It took me a year to figure out that the five stages of grief are not a rule we have to follow.  I won't go so far as to say they are complete hooey, but as I've spent more time thinking about them, I never experienced denial or bargaining either.

As grandparents, our grief process is unique.  Our grief involves our child's grief and the natural instinct to take care of our child trumps taking care of ourselves.  How could I help Mandy if I was angry with her husband? 

There was no denying what had happened and the only bargaining to be done was with God before Kitty died.  Anger was tiring and not at all helpful.  That left depression and acceptance.   I feel very fortunate  that only two stages of grief are part of my three-year journey. 

My thoughts and prayers are with grieving grandparents who suffer though anger, depression, denial and bargaining.  May we all move forward to reach the stage of acceptance ... and to find some comfort and peace.